Progress, and a good day

Today, after college, I got on a treadmill and kicked ass. This was despite walking to my bus stop, and nearly getting the first bus home because I felt like I didn’t have the energy for a run. At the last minute, I turned around and decided I did. I was right.

I ran 10km in under an hour for the first time, and was 3 minutes and 13 seconds faster than my previous personal best. I’m still 14 minutes and 47 seconds off my goal time, but today, I made a lot of progress. I am closer to reaching my goals now than when I got out of bed this morning. So it was a good day.

I realised that most of the things that limit me and hold me back are in my head. I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for. I definitely need to work on having a more self-positive mindset. I need to believe I can do things, reach goals, and if I put in the work, I will. I need to stop being so discouraged with myself.

Every time I run, I try to remind myself that 8 months ago, I could only run 1 kilometre, and my legs hurt for a day after that attempt. So when I feel like giving up, I think of where I can be in 3 months, or 6 months, or a year if I don’t. The future is exciting.

Being outside, looking in

Something has to crack to let the light in. 

When I started to crack, I wasn’t so comfortable with what the light shone on. And, left ignored, the cracks only became deeper, and bigger. It took a long time before I was ready to stop and face the fact that everything was not OK. I was not OK. And once I did that, I no longer saw the cracks as a nuisance, but as a way for me to learn, and reflect. The cracks were a way out, an opportunity to step outside and look in at myself, look in at my life, and see what was wrong.

Given the choice, I would always like to be told what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. It’s not pleasant that way, but I believe it is essential. Anxiety attacks were never pleasant for me. In fact, they were the most terrifying times of my life. But to me, they were also a message. They were a message to me that something was wrong, that there was some aspect of my life I needed to step back and look at, then change.

It took me a long to realise this, to realise that my anxiety attacks were something I could learn to control. That was my first step towards a solution. It was a long journey, full of baby step, and days when I felt that taking one step forward would only result in me falling two steps back. Some days, I even feel myself drifting backwards again, some days, I fall all the way back.

It is because of this that I set resolutions that would change so many aspects of my life in 2014. Along the way, I have come to realise that investing time in myself, in my dreams, in reaching my goals is so important. There is no one aspect of my life that I can allow myself to be completely fixated on. Balance is important. Living the life I want to live is important. I am important.

Prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/daily-prompt-outside-2/

My time for thinking.

I think best when I’m lying in bed, before I go asleep. It’s at that time that I think back on the day’s events, on my plans for the next day, on my feelings, on conversations I have had. It’s because I am alone that I can do this. During the day, it can be very easy not to face how you feel, to fill your time by doing things, seeing people, going places. I love this half an hour before sleep because it gives me the chance to breathe, think and plan.

It’s in this half an hour that I have made some very important realisations. It was where I first realised that it was totally ok for me to start standing up for myself. I realised that I am never obliged to take shit from people. If someone is doing or saying something that I am not comfortable with, it is totally ok for me to tell them to stop. Calling someone out on their bullshit should not be something I feel I need to apologise for, provided it is done in a polite, patient, respectful and constructive manner, and is neither condescending nor aggressive.

But on the other hand, without distractions, it’s very easy to over-think things, and come to less empowering realisations. Sometimes when I’m lying in the dark, I start to worry, or the enormity of what I have yet to undertake to achieve something hits me, and I feel overwhelmed. Other times, all the emotions from a long day overcome me. The reason I think so well before I sleep is that I can focus solely on myself, no one is there demanding my attention. But at the same time, no one is there to tell me to relax, that everything will be ok. I’ve realised that it’s up to me. 

In times when it seems that so much work must be done in a short space of time, or when your goals seem discouragingly far away from where you are at now, it helps to try to calm down, and get some perspective. In a year’s time, will this matter? 

Then look at what you can do to get everything back to a place where you feel in control. Usually this involves resolving to make progress every day.

Go to bed each night confident that you are more prepared than when you woke up this morning. That is my motto lately. If, at the end of a day, I can say that I am a little closer to my goal then I was before, then that day was both productive and worthwhile.

Prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/daily-prompt-best/

New Years Resolutions

I like New Years Eve.

It’s a holiday that is centred around new beginnings, a fresh start. It’s a chance to reflect on the year that has just passed, to learn from your mistakes, and move on. It’s a time of great hope.

Putting 2013 behind me is very important for me. 2013 was a year where a lot changed for me, for the better. I graduated from  school and began studying  Science in college. I made new friends, learned a lot about myself, and became a lot stronger.

But I also spent a lot of 2013 afraid.

I was afraid to say no, afraid to say yes, afraid to speak my mind, afraid of trying new things, sometimes even afraid of trying at all. I was afraid of failing, afraid of how I felt, afraid of talking about my feelings, and afraid of what was happening inside my head. I was afraid of losing control, and when I eventually did, I was petrified.

So these are my resolutions, and goals. Some are for 2014, some are for the rest of my life.

1. To run a mini marathon.
2. To run 10km in 45 minutes.
3. To run 5km in under 20 minutes.
4. To pass first year science.
5. To go to society events in college.
6. To be happy, healthy, fit and strong.
7. To be confident.
8. To become closer to my friends.
9. To stop biting my nails.
10. To practice self care regularly.
11. To let go of thoughts that do not make me feel empowered and strong.
12. To waste less, and learn to live on what I have.
13. To be more open, to engage with people and life more.
14. To spend more time outdoors.
15. To learn to drive.

I set up this blog today so that I can track and document the changes in my life over the next year, and beyond. 😀